hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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