Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
