Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
