I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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