I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
