smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
