take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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