Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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