Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
