Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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