NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
