can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My life is pants optional.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
