fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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