Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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