I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
