I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
