She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
