Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
