i just sent this text using only my big toe
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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