I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
