census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
