Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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