A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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