It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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