Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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