On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
