I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
