thus making me awesome and them whores
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
