Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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