His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
