oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm passing your future prison.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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