alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
