I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
