she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
