considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
