You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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