she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
