literally had 100 drinks last night.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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