I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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