I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
