just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
