i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
