why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
