How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
