Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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