my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
