Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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