what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
