Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
