Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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