i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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