she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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